Cooperation Follows Connection
Written by: Savannah Schadegg
Cooperation follows connection. The first time I heard this, my response was, “Is that true?!” This phrase soon became my go-to behavioral support tool in the classroom and at home. As a former educator and director, as well as, a current parent, Certified Social Worker, mental health consultant, and forever early childhood education advocate, I can undoubtedly attest to this tried and true practice.
Consider this: You walk into a classroom full of children you have never met, and you don’t know their names, their likes or dislikes, their triggers, or the level of support needed to remain regulated through tough transitions, such as transitioning back inside after an hour of unstructured play with their peers. Immediately, it's obvious you have three high-energy kids that feed off of each other’s energy levels. One of them is overstimulated and bites a peer sitting nearby. When you attempt to comfort the child who was bit two more toddlers run out of the classroom. Your co-teacher went to the restroom and you didn't know the kids well enough to plan out the transition and ask him to wait 5 minutes. You realize you're drowning. Your anxiety level heightens and you feel yourself becoming dysregulated causing a disconnect in your ability to problem-solve.
The next classroom you walk into is a classroom full of children whom you have a meaningful connection with, you know their names, what their favorite spot in the classroom is, their favorite song to dance to, their favorite book to read, and if they like to have a high five, hug or space when they arrive at school. You know them well enough to support them through a hard drop-off or offer a snuggle when they get hurt outside. You can see one of the high-energy kids start to escalate but you have built a connection with them so you already know he will likely need a weighted stuffy and their favorite book to look at to help them through the next transition. You hear giggling and know from experience that you have two toddlers plotting to run. Because you know the next move, you were able to give your co-teacher a heads-up. You decide to engage them in their favorite activity at a table. It was a detour from what you had planned for the day but it was a necessary shift to keep the classroom running smoothly. Your connection with each class was vastly different. The power of connection is integral, especially when challenging behaviors arise.
When we understand that children are smart, capable thinkers and tinkerers, we can begin to explore why it takes a connection to motivate young children to cooperate. Have you ever had your boss step into your space demanding and micromanaging everything you do? She hasn't been in your office in three days and you were excited to share your thoughts, ideas, and plans with her when she arrived. Unfortunately, she didn't have time to listen. She had a lot on her plate and seemed disconnected from what you were hoping to talk about. She had a mild tone but continued to give demands and deadlines to you while she paced around barely making eye contact. You feel invisible and think about slamming a book on the desk just to get her to look at you. It’s been weeks since she has checked in with you about your talents, values, strengths, and passions for upcoming tasks. Suddenly, you don't feel valued, important, or even capable of completing the tasks she is asking of you. Your window of tolerance shrank significantly since she arrived. You feel dysregulated and begin to notice how quickly you feel the burnout today. You start to feel like you don't belong and consider trying to escape the room, and maybe the job. The power dynamics are similar to those of an educator in a classroom. When all of our time as educators is used to demand, correct, and check off the boxes on our to-do list, we miss the essential connection. We miss the opportunities to have meaningful engagements that help the children in our care feel seen, heard, and cared for. When we lack connection, we lack the leverage to gain cooperation.
As someone who values relationships, attachment, and interconnectedness of systems, my highest self and full potential are present when I feel seen, heard, and understood. I am my best self when I feel regulated, grounded, and fully accepted as my most authentic self. Regulation is when the brain and nervous system are in sync with the body’s natural state of being. Homeostasis, if you will. In other words, when our entire being feels emotionally safe, physically safe, loved, valued, and aligned, we can show up as our best selves. We show up capable of handling stressful situations, ready to problem solve, and ready to handle unplanned changes to our schedule. Building a trusting relationship with a child is a foolproof way to support young children AND yourself in the classroom.
Attachment theory developed by John Bowlby explains that connection and close bonds formed between caregivers and children are essential to a child’s social and cognitive development. Social-emotional development reaches its highest potential when a secure attachment is formed. Security, trust, and confidence are noticeable in a child when a secure attachment is present. How do we support children in developing a secure attachment?
Pick up and comfort crying children (even if you don’t know why they are upset)
Practice using their name when you notice positive behavior
Sit at eye level
Join in their play, meals, and silly moments
Express curiosity about their wants, needs, thoughts, and play
Match their excitement over things they enjoy
Encourage new experiences while offering your presence as a comfort. (“That new slide looks exciting! Would you like me to hold your hand while you try it or catch you at the bottom?”)
Seek intentional connections at greetings and dismissals (high fives, hugs, fist bumps)
When you notice a child consistently seeking praise, begin to turn their attention to how they feel. When a child asks, “Do you like it? Did I do it right?” respond with, “Do you like it?” or “Wow, it looks like you worked hard on that, do you feel proud of your hard work?” It takes the attention off of seeking your approval and turns it back to them as the creator. Children should be supported to feel intrinsically motivated to work hard because they feel proud. Their hard work should be the focus, not gaining your acknowledgement and approval.
If a child shows distress at your departure, give them a time they will see you again. (“I have to leave for my lunch break, I'll be here when you wake up from rest.”)
Speak in a caring tone
Reduce yelling or demanding language.
According to research on brain development, (Delamare, 2023) connection with caregivers is crucial in developing the prefrontal cortex. The prefrontal cortex is responsible for problem-solving, decision-making, impulse control, and social interactions. Brain development is largely shaped by social experiences such as positive social interactions, supportive environments, and connections to caregivers. When children experience positive social interactions, physical touch, eye contact, and trust in their caregivers, oxytocin is released. Oxytocin is responsible for offering feelings of love, connection, and support.
Mirror neurons also hold weight when seeking connection and building classroom management skills. These neurons fire when an individual performs an action and sees another individual performing the same action. When children in a classroom see an adult comfort another child who is hurt, they learn empathy and are more likely to offer empathy and comfort to a peer who is hurt. This is also true for matching voice tone and energy levels in others. Children model what they see as well as how to respond to new situations.
In conclusion, understanding emotional regulation, attachment, brain development, and mirror neurons will support your efforts to build meaningful relationships in your classroom. When seeking cooperation in the classroom, authentic connection and nurturing relationships are the foundation for mitigating challenging behaviors. This uncomplicated practice will support your classroom management skills through the practice of building connections, remaining curious about the children in your classroom, and working to recognize the energy you bring into the space. When cooperation is lacking in your classroom, ask yourself, have I built a connection with the children in my space? I hope this post empowers you to self-reflect and gain momentum in building meaningful connections; in turn, mitigating challenging behaviors.
Delamare, S. (2023). Oxytocin and Attachment Development. Family Perspectives, 5. https://scholarsarchive.byu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1109&context=familyperspectives