Time Outs/Time Ins: Let’s Reset

Written by: Savannah Schadegg

Timeouts are widely used by parents and childcare centers across the country.  Time-outs originated in the 19th century with the increased popularity of basketball.  It became a way for the team to regroup, stabilize, and rest during the game.  During the 20th century when B.F. Skinner began his operational research, he helped identify that an undesirable behavior should be met with an undesirable consequence.  If a child is not behaving in the manner deemed appropriate, they are removed from the activity with the hope that the child will not continue the undesired behavior.

It’s not that timeouts don’t work, it’s that their effectiveness is lacking when they are not conducted and used appropriately. Typically, they can be effective in the short term, but not as effective for the long haul. Additionally, I would ask myself, do I want to extinguish the behavior for the moment, or do I want to have learn appropriate behaviors for more successes in later childhood? I’ll preface this by saying, nothing in early childhood can be generalized and you will see some exceptions to the rule.  If timeouts work for you and you don’t see why anyone struggles with time out, by all means- parent on your terms in whatever way suits you.  However, If you find yourself sliding backward downhill while trying to get a toddler to cooperatively sit in a chair and think about the mistakes they made, keep reading.  We must first identify what it means if a strategy works. If a strategy is working, I would say it gets to the outcome I intended it to get to.  The steps are working, and the completion is satisfactory.  When you think of timeouts in this context, where is the gap?  What does and doesn’t go well?  Do you and your child feel supported and empowered once it is completed?  Does the issue become bigger before resolving?  Does your child get up before the timer?  Do you find yourself wanting to physically hold or block a child in timeout with your body or devices such as highchairs? If you answered yes to any of these, then timeouts are not working for you. 

 Identifying alternative methods to support corrective behavior without the use of timeouts.  Here are 10 alternatives:

1. Positive Reinforcement:

   • Encourage and acknowledge positive behavior through noticing language, connections, extra books at bedtime, and extra time playing with their favorite manipulative.

2. Behavioral Redirection:

   • Redirect the child's attention to a more appropriate activity.  It’s good to know the children in your space so this option is less difficult, and this can be more successful if you have a positive relationship with that child. If you don’t know that Johnny loves to draw race cars, you wouldn’t have the leverage to shift his attention.   

3. Cooling-Off Periods:

   • Allow the child a brief break to physically change their body temperature.  This could be bare feet on a cold floor or standing near a fan (at a safe distance).  This alternative should be an option not an expected alternative.

4. Problem-Solving Discussions:

   • Engage in open communication with the child to discuss the issue, explore alternative behaviors, and find solutions together.  Remember that this can only be done when the child is in a regulated state emotionally.

5. Time-In:

   • Instead of isolating the child, spend time with them in a designated "quiet corner" or safe space to discuss their feelings and behavior.  Sometimes just encouraging the child to sit closer, or come nearby you for a short time will help them redirect and calm down on their own.

6. Modeling Behavior:

   • Demonstrate the desired behavior yourself, showing the child appropriate actions and encouraging them to follow your example.

7. Restitution or Repair:

   • Encourage the child to make amends for their behavior by helping to fix or rectify any harm caused to others or the environment. “Ouch! That looked like it hurt.  Let's go check on Sam, she’s crying from that car you threw at her.  I wonder what would make her feel better?”

8. Calm-Down Strategies:

   • Teach the child calming techniques such as deep breathing, mindfulness, or using a "calm-down corner" with sensory tools. Have the child practice counting to 10 or 20. Provide a safe space for the child to take a break. 

9. Talk it out:

   • Encourage the child to talk through their feelings and emotions.  What happened, what were they hoping would happen, how are they feeling?  Is there anything that could help them feel better?  

10. Offer connection:

    • Children use behavior as just one of their many languages.  Offering connection when you would usually put a child in timeout feels unnatural and counterproductive perhaps to you.  However, it can help build a sense of trust between you and your child.  By offering understanding and empathy while you make an effort to listen to your child's thoughts and feelings, they learn that you are on the same team, you value them even when they are misbehaving, and you see they are trying to communicate something to you.  Acknowledge and validate their feelings. 

All of these techniques take time and need to be used repetitively before you may see some successes.  Be as supportive as possible and reflect patience so that children can reflect on your calmness.